Communication Breakdown
By: Rosemary Callahan, MA, CADC CODP-I, CRSS
Communication is how we send information back and forth from individual to individual. Since we, as individuals, depend on each other to survive, effective communication is vital. Prehistoric folks had it easy if you think about it: one grunt for paper, two grunts for plastic or cave paintings of your pet tiger for #SabreToothSaturdays etc. Unfortunately, we have evolved, *sigh* and that means the way we convey and express ourselves has to, as well. But this is easier said than done for many reasons.
Appropriate and effective communication is essential for healthy relationships. These relationships can include family and friends, significant others, bosses or employees, teachers and more. If we are having conflicts within these relationships, we might want to evaluate whether or not we are effectively communicating our wants and needs. Some of us were never taught proper communication styles. Does that mean we are blaming the people who raised us? Well, they may have not been taught how to communicate either and were doing the best they could. Does that mean they didn’t hurt us? No way. That shit stings sometimes. But we should look at a couple things in order to move forward.
Outside learning from family on how to communicate, we may have also picked up cultural or societal cues. Past accepted societal norms such as “children should be seen and not heard” has the potential to teach a child that they should hold back their feelings and emotions, or it may be interpreted as their opinion doesn’t matter. And there is no denying that we see ample remnants of sexist behavior such as learning from a young age that women and girls should be modest and demure or women should not swear and if she is assertive, she is labeled a bitch.
Ineffective communication can also be learned from norms within our culture and society; some folks just do not talk about certain things (i.e., mental illness, addiction, sexuality, gender identity, money etc.) choosing instead to ignore them which very often turn into a bigger problem in the future. Also, well-meaning people in our lives can subconsciously perpetuate these problems. While these things are slowly changing, it can definitely have an impact on how we communicate to the world around us.
So now that that is established, what is there to communicate? Some things are easy to communicate. At the McDonald’s drive thru, it’s easy: “I will have the four-piece Chicken McNugget Happy Meal, please. Hit me with that chocolate milk and don’t be shy with that BBQ sauce, baby.” You pull around and that is it. Easy. Other things are much harder to communicate. One of the harder things to accurately and delicately communicate are emotions.
As human beings we have a broad range of emotions. Emotions are important, so we should not minimize them, but sometimes it is difficult to identify and understand what we are feeling especially if we have not experienced and witnessed proper ways of handling tough emotions. Some of us may find the Feelings Wheel to be helpful. It was originally conceptualized by Dr. Robert Plutchik and further developed by Dr. Gloria Willcox. A lot of us have a hard time finding the right words to express ourselves and, while we learn, the Feelings Wheel may help out. Feel free to screenshot that bad boy and look at it as much as needed. You will get bonus points from your therapist, too.
Expressing emotions can be straight up scary and sometimes, when we are misunderstood it can be heartbreaking especially if it is brought on by someone we care about or who is supposed to care about us. However, the longer we avoid or run from tough situations that bring on tough emotions, the more it’s going to kick us in the ass in the long run. And remember, we are all born with emotions, so as long as you are not hurting anyone, go ahead and use them. We naturally have an innate ability to cry (dudes, too) when sad and happy, so do it if you have to.
Ok, so we know a bit about communication and how we develop our communication style, and we have a little help from the Feelings Wheel to help us identify our emotions, so let’s try to put that together so we can begin expressing ourselves.
A particularly important part of communicating our emotions and viewpoints is something called “I feel” or “I” statements. According GFC Global Learning, “I” statements, “can help you express your feelings in a manner that will not provoke a negative response in your listener.” This is a more direct type of communicating and may take some time to get used to, so do not abandon it if it doesn’t go perfectly. This is especially true if you are more of a shy or quiet person, like myself.
“I feel” statements are especially important when we experience conflict and we do not want it to escalate further. “I feel” statements take the heat off of the person we are talking to and put the focus back on what we are feeling along with our perspectives and experiences. Generally, there are a couple components of an “I feel” statement and we can look at the formula below:
I feel EMOTION because SPECIFIC EVENT occurred, and I need SPECIFIC REQUEST to happen.
Let’s go through a couple situations:
Scenario #1: You have been experiencing symptoms of depression for several months and want to ask your parents to help you finding a therapist. In the past, your parents have been dismissive and rejected the idea because they do not believe you are depressed. They think everyone is moody because of the COVID-19 pandemic.
✅ Option #1. Using the “I feel” statement formula: “I feel hurt and rejected because I am unable to express my full opinion on my mental health. I need support from someone, and I would like you to help me find a therapist.”
🚫 Option #2. Fun, but harmful in the long run: “You people don’t even know what you are talking about! Have you considered therapy for yourself because you really have some messed up ways of thinking about the world around you! You are the reason I am sick, and you don’t even want to admit it! What is wrong with you!?”
Scenario #2: Since the pandemic started, several of your family members and friends of the family get together once per month on Zoom to keep in touch. These get-togethers happen around 8PM and often some of the individuals have had a drink or two and are tipsy. While talking about one of your hobbies that you are deeply passionate about, your uncle interrupts and says, “That’s just like all the other weird stuff you are always doing. Why don’t you do something more realistic with your life?” He has done this before on Zoom.
✅ Option #1. Using the “I feel” statement formula: “I feel humiliated and disrespected when I am interrupted and put down about my passions in life. I will not be seeking feedback on that part of my life and I need you to respect that boundary.”
🚫 Option #2. Fun, but harmful in the long run: “Listen you drunk clown. You are not going to put me on blast like that anymore. You piss me off so much and you are the reason I can’t stand these dumbass Zoom calls. Get yourself together, Bozo. Bye.”
Scenario #3: Your job schedule is 9am-5pm Monday- Friday. You have been doing your job for a long time and you are very efficient which saves you time and sometimes you are able to help co-workers. But you need to leave right at 5pm to catch the bus to school. Your co-worker calls you at 4:35pm asking for your assistance and promises it won’t take too long. You get there and he wants you to do about an hour of his work. It takes a long time; you miss the bus to school. You miss class.
✅ Option #1. Using the “I feel” statement formula: “I feel frustrated and mad when my schedule is not honored because I have discussed my need to get to school on time with you. I will not be available to assist after 4:30pm.”
🚫 Option #2. Fun, but harmful in the long run: “That is the last time I am helping you with anything you goofy bastard. I’m out here trying to better my life and you have me doing inventory of your mistakes. But, no more from me. I’m out. Find some other loser to do your job!”
So, as you can see, I am no stranger to situations where ineffective communication is used. Those fun, but harmful statements came way too easy for me, but I think it shows that communication can often shift. I think it also shows that despite ample therapy and years of teaching this way of communicating, a mental health professional like myself, can easily fall back into a less effective type of communicating.
So, now that we know how to construct our sentences to express ourselves the best way we can, we must look at some of our responsibilities. Unfortunately, people cannot read our minds and we cannot read theirs. If we want to be understood, there are some things that we have to take on to get our message across. We are going to have to be open with what we want, and we may have to enforce boundaries that we establish with others. We should try not to be scared to say no if we may have overextended ourselves. On the flip side of that, we should try not to be afraid to say yes to new opportunities. When we need help, we need to ask for it. We need to be specific with what we need help with and try to be patient with ourselves and the people we have asked for help. And sometimes we are going to have to straight up educate people in our life if they are not catching on to what’s going on. And remember, this is not a matter of being “nice.”
This is something we will have to practice throughout our lives. So, try not to become discouraged. If we fall back into a less effective style of communicating, we have to catch ourselves, apologize if needed, and keep going forward. We can be the example of healthy communication as we move along. And, sorry but, communicating with others will change. Emojis and memes are a way of life now. So are Zoom calls and Tik-Tok videos. And Twitch? You are on your own with Twitch. I have no idea what’s up with Twitch. Hopefully, the kids will teach me when I am in the nursing home. Until then, stay tuned to the blog where there will be regular communication about improving your mental health.
Citation:
(2020). Goodwill Community Foundation, Inc. https://media.gcflearnfree.org/ctassets/topics/28/wp_IstatementWorksheet.pdf
Originally published at http://sarahlewislcsw.wordpress.com on March 2, 2021.
